


Wounds

by cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:06:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1915569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus/pseuds/cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beth dealing with depression and her sexuality. Ace Beth Week fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wounds

You look in the mirror, an unfamiliar face looking back worsens the pain. The circles under you eyes a sign of your sleepless nights, self-hatred burning in your soul as the sky turns from black to pink to blue.

Your scars aren’t visible, but you feel their presence as you search within yourself for answers, a way out of this hell, a breath of fresh air.

Paul stirs in bed and panic begins to build in the pit of your stomach. You dread having to pull away from his touch, deny him what he wants, watch the hollow behind his eyes grow bigger and bigger as you retreat further. Perhaps the guilt will overcome you this time and you will succumb to his urges, and you dread the pain in his eyes as you fail to show any signs of enjoyment or desire or passion.

You hear Paul’s soft snores pick up again, and you exhale relief as a tear slides down your cheek. You are ashamed that you could feel this way about the man you love, how you could cringe at the mere thought of intimacy.

The pills go down easy, numbing you to the war that rages on inside of you. You put on your mask of self-assured confidence as the poisons course through your veins. But the feeling that you are broken is pushed back less and less each day. Your desire to be normal, to be like everyone else, to be the way you’re supposed to be grows and grows, taking away pieces of yourself with each attempt to suppress it.

You sit in your car, the tears falling as you pray for some explanation, some way out of this downward spiral. But you can’t bring yourself to even say it, the shame is too great. Paul would leave you if he knew how you felt, and you couldn’t bear to be alone with yourself.

With no resolution in sight, you wipe away the tears and replace the sadness with a hardened expression, the face of a cop who has their shit together. You resolve to go on one more day, telling yourself to forget it all and focus on your work.

But the wounds only deepen.


End file.
